You know how…?

You know how you tell yourself that you should really go on a yarn diet? Or, really, someone else tells you. You look at your piles of yarn, look away. You make a double-take because, wow, it really has taken over the room, and then you sigh before agreeing that something needs to be done. Nothing serious–no, nothing so serious as to get rid of any of that wonderful, glorious, often times beautiful, yarn. But, truly, something needs to happen, and so you sulkingly, and with complete grumpiness, agree that a yarn diet is the most acceptable course of action.

There’s some grumbling, some moaning, some late-night drooling over yarn listed on eBay, Etsy, Ravelry, and shop websites. And, by this time, one month later, you’re way past withdrawal, and even more past any mollifying that your partner, who played instigator and suggester to this backwards and ridiculous diet, may offer. Hell, you’re lucky to be alive! Alive…and without yarn…

Then there’s a brief moment where you remember that you told yourself that you would only buy organic yarn this year, and we’re barely into February. Guilt builds up and burns your throat, or maybe that’s stomach acid, but still…it tastes nasty.

You remember the giant bags of yarn you purchased last month, though you weren’t the only one as the Yarn-Diet Nazi helped with a couple bags of her own. Of course, those aren’t supposed to count. Still, you sigh wistfully at how glorious those two days of yarn-purchasing felt, and then the guilt, or acid, or whatever, hits your esophagus and you gag a little.

You start to hear a song in the hallway, and you think that maybe you’ve finely come undone. You’re ready for yarn suicide because here comes the crazies, but no…what’s that? Little gnomes of rationalization sing-song their way past as your head wonders why they’re all not out getting great travel rates. The little cranky-faced, rationale-loving gnomes line up in front you and you forget about the burn in your throat, and the souring that guilt has caused in your stomach, and they tell you that, really, you got all of that yarn on sale. Great prices! they shout, and then cheer for you because you’re an excellent bargain shopper.

Little Gnomes:
Hurrah! Super Bargain Shopper!

You:
Stop, really, you don’t understand. I shouldn’t have–

Little Gnomes:
You’re a Queen! We’re so proud! You saved loads of money! Do you realize the money you would have spent had you purchased all that yarn at–gasp–full retail price?

You:
Well, yes…I know. Easily $50 to $70 more.

And then you get caught up in the excitement of all that money you saved, and the yarn you accumulated.

You:
I got so much, and at great prices, sometimes half or more off! It was the best couple days of my yarn-loving life. I wish you could have seen me leave with the huge, heaping bags, WITH ALL THOSE COLORS!

Little Gnomes:
Oh, we saw, Empress, we saw. We see everything! What an amazing time for you!!!

You:
I know! And, oooh, guess what?

Little Gnomes:
What, Empress? What is it you yearn to tell us?

You:
I got more last night.

Little Gnomes:
More? What of?

You:
MOOOREEEE! It was great. We were only there for a few craft supplies and–

Little Gnomes:
Yeah, and…

You:
There they were. A heaping basket full of Patons Classic Wool skeins.

Little Gnomes:
Oooh, you could felt! You like felting.

You:
I know! And with the new washer, it will be–

Little Gnomes:
Get on with it.

You:
Right, sorry. There they were, and there I was, and it was like…it was like…

Little Gnomes:
Magic?

You:
No, you watch too many Tom Hanks movies. It was like…fate!

Little Gnomes:
And what made this encounter so fated, Queen of Ours?

You:
It was marked down from $5 to $2 a skein!!!

Little Gnomes:
FAIOJFAOIHGIE@#$FH#A!!! WOOHOO.

You:
Best. Night. Ever. I got 6!

Little Gnomes:
Six.

You:
Yeah, six.

Little Gnomes:
The yarn was more than half-off per skein and you only got 6?

You:
Yeah, well…they had five colors on clearance, and one color didn’t go well with the others, there were two shades in red, but the lighter one was all wrong, so I got the darker, some orange, and some burnt-yellow-ish. Two of each.

Little Gnomes:
Why not wipe out the whole stock? Why not put that diet to bed and BUY THE WHOLE CLEARANCE BASKET?

You:
You don’t have to be so mean about it. I had thought of it, but I didn’t really need all of them, and I didn’t want to get too much of one color and not–

Little Gnomes:
And we thought about giving you a crown…

You:
A crown? Really? Like a real Queen?

Little Gnomes:
Well, you’re not getting one nowww. Jeez.

You:
Where you going? What about the crown?

Little Gnomes:
. . .

You:
I’ll go buy more yarn?

Little Gnomes:
*throws confetti*

It went something like that.